From Maiden to Pregnant

I can’t say that I have handled pregnancy with as much grace as I was expecting. 

I imagined waking up feeling deliciously connected to myself every morning. Drinking smoothies and meal prepping for a week of nutritionally packed treats. Yoga everyday, and in constant song with my forming fetus. 

But the reality has been quite different. My body is rapidly changing, and the nauseous is more than I could have anticipated. My nose is hyper tuned, and the smallest smells set me off into a swirl of dry heaving and stomach churning madness. The joy of cooking has quickly lost its charm as most spice mixtures make me queasy. And the simple act of brushing my teeth has become a chore of epic proportions. I have to stop multiple times throughout the process as I gag and quiver and my whole body contracts. 

I have also become incredibly tired and find myself loosing stamina during the smallest stretch session. Not to mention my attention and focus is all over the place. I am not in a state of constant dreamy connection with my unborn baby, but have found myself rather lost in thoughts about the uncertainty of the future, and my capacity to hold it all. 

But with each passing day, I am also noticing a quiet strength developing in my core. It is radiating from my womb as my baby effortlessly receives all of the nutrients they need. I sometimes catch a moment of presence and remember that each breath I take is sharing precious oxygen into my baby’s lungs. Each bite of food, is feeding us both and each beautiful moment of gratitude is nourishing our souls. We are infinitely connected, and are quite literally sharing a body. Two hearts beating as one.

I feel a deeper sense of rootedness in my decisions, and find that my base level of anxiety is slowly drifting away as I relax into a form of surrender I have never known.  I am choosing an un-medicalized home birth and wild pregnancy. This decision started years before conception, as I educated myself on what it means to be sovereign and in complete trust with my body and baby. I opted to not take a pregnancy test when my regular cycle was late, after conscious love making during ovulation two weeks earlier. I waited in the unknown with my partner, trusting that a pregnancy would naturally reveal itself one way or another. And here we are 10 weeks later with swollen breasts, waves of nausea, and a deep knowing that my baby is healthy.

I do not plan to attend any prenatal doctors visits. Instead I am working with a wise herbalist and chiropractor. Focusing on my own health physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am not interested in hypothetical scenarios of what “could” be wrong with my baby in which a corrupt medical system imposes fear and stress into my psyche, priming me for an intervention rich birth under florescent lights. I do not plan to give my power away, and known that no one can “save me” from this process. 

My prenatal care consists of sister circles, and doting friends. Of listening to empowering stories that share the message of birth as a divine rite of passage. It entails long walks in nature as I listen to the birds and babbling brooks. It is getting quiet enough to hear another’s song ringing in my own soul. And being honest with myself about how hard this has already been, yet how I am beautifully designed to handle it. 

And so this is a reminder that birth and pregnancy are power. It may not look as graceful as I was expecting, but I know I am doing it perfectly for myself and my baby. And that is enough.